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[20 Aug 2009|11:25am] |
I got an email a while back asking if I wanted to be in a paid optometry study. It was at U.C. Berkeley, and I live right next to the campus, so I thought, "Why not?"
Why not indeed.
Here's what they did: They dilated my eyes, and waited fifteen minutes for it to take effect. I then stuck my head into a huge machine, and was told to keep my eyes open and track a little red dot wherever it went.
I did so, and they suddenly proceeded to shine AN INCREDIBLY BRIGHT HALOGEN BEAM directly into my eyes. Non-stop, at maximum wattage. This, suffice to say, hurt like hell.
Technician: Stop squinting!
I winced in horrible pain and stopped squinting as best I can.
Technician: Why are you squinting? Stop squinting!
This went on for the next 45 minutes. Stop squinting! Why are you squinting? Stop squinting! She just kept repeating this in a mystified tone, as if she couldn't understand why a person with dilated eyes who was being permanently blinded might squint just a little.
I eventually snapped at her and told her that it really hurt, and she was totally surprised. And then proceeded to tell me to stop squinting.
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[18 Aug 2009|02:18pm] |
I was driving through San Francisco this weekend when I saw a strange old man. He was black, in his sixties, and dressed like an Egyptian pharaoh. By this I mean he had a headdress (complete with snake), black goatee, and even a snake cane.
I pointed him out to Shannon, and mentioned that he looked just like King Tut. Almost as if the ancient pharaoh had risen from the grave and was now secretly walking through the city, ha ha.
That’s when Shannon reminded me of this:
Oh. My. God.
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[13 Aug 2009|01:22pm] |
I have a side job where I provide grammar feedback on tests from South Korea. The students are given a question, and told to write a full page essay on the subject.
One of the questions is whether or not athletic scholarships should be awarded to college students (as opposed to just academic scholarships). This is apparently a very controversial topic in South Korea.
I've graded this question about fifty times, and I've seen the same response again and again:
They agree that there should be athletic scholarships. No surprise there. They then go on to say that athletes are not respected. They are routinely made fun of at school by the teachers and students. They never get the girls, who instead go for the academic achievers. Everyone just thinks that they are complete losers. But, despite all of this, the athletic students should still be given a chance at a scholarship.
The first time I read this, I thought it was a joke. But I've seen the same response almost every time. Apparently, in South Korea, the math students are the kings and queens of the campus, while the athletes are bullied. It's quite strange.
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[04 Aug 2009|11:00am] |
There's a smiling hippy woman who plays a banjo outside the coffee shop near my house. She's there almost every day, singing songs of peace and love with a paper cup nearby for people to donate money.
I mentioned her to Shannon the other day, and she told me something she had once witnessed.
Shannon was at the coffee shop, waiting for me to pick her up, and the hippy woman wasn't there. It was instead an old man playing the banjo. The hippy woman then walked up, saw the old man singing, and swore vehemently.
"Goddamn fucking junkies! They always take your space if you're not quick enough!"
She then turned and spoke to Shannon, or rather, spoke at her.
"SOME OF US are trying to make an honest living here! Not like these homeless assholes!"
Methinks hippy woman needs to mellow out a little.
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[31 Jul 2009|11:40am] |
I heard a somewhat disturbing commercial on the radio a few hours ago. I don’t remember exactly how it went, but it was something like this:
Do you have a disobedient child? Does he refuse to do everything that you say and become a mindless automaton?
Try the patented so-and-so technique!
Your child will learn the importance of obeying the rules. He will no longer question you. Most of all, he will rush to follow your every command.
Just listen to these testimonials! The commercial then had a number of people describing how their child used to talk back to them, but they now did whatever the parent wanted without hesitation.
I mean, I understand that it must be hard dealing with a lot of kids these days, but this commercial was reaching Clockwork Orange territory. If I hear it again I’m going to try to write down the name so I can look up the service.
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| The Seven Samurai, Minus Six |
[30 Jul 2009|04:09pm] |
There was a samurai in the subway today.
I'm not being metaphorical here. There was an actual samurai, in full battle armor, with a sword and everything. He walked past my seat, gave me a friendly nod, and continued on his noble way (presumably to fight for his feudal lord.)
I'm guessing it was for the Lords of the Samurai exhibition at the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco. If that's true, it's a pretty good way to promote it. Everyone stopped what they were doing and just stared in astonishment.
Then again, if I see a Viking warrior the next time I'm riding BART, I'll assume that a time portal has opened up or something.
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| When All Else Fails, Run! |
[20 Jul 2009|01:53pm] |
My new journal is up!
I decided to go with When All Else Fails, Run! as the title. Most of you guys seemed to like it, and it grew on me the more I thought about it.
For those tuning in, this is my survival guide for dealing with alien invaders, robotic rampages, giant insects, and so forth. I wrote it as a book, the publisher backed out, and I wanted to put it somewhere.
I'm having a whole lot of fun working on it again, so I’m planning on expanding it beyond what was originally written. I've already added Mad Science and The Restless Dead as new sections. So feel free to check it out if you like that sort of thing.
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[05 Dec 2008|08:00am] |
Shannon and I went out to a Chinese restaurant last Sunday. It wasn't the usual one that we go to, but we were visiting relatives (it was her grandfather's 90th birthday). The food wasn't so good, but we still got our fortune cookies at the end. Here's what mine said:
Awesome! I think like a winner, baby! In today's harsh economic climate, I've got the right attitude to make it through these hard times and get ahead! Now let's take a look at Shannon's fortune:
Doh!
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[20 Nov 2008|09:55am] |
You are sitting at your desk. There is a computer in front of you that is open to livejournal. It seems that mrpuzuzu has just updated his blog.
You hear an odd gurgling sound coming from the next room.
>
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[12 Sep 2008|03:17pm] |
I've noticed that most cats tend to embody one of the seven deadly sins. Oh sure, most of them are gluttonous, and lazy, and prideful, but there's usually one sin that they represent more than anything else.
Let's take a look at my cat, to test this theory:
Gluttony - Our cat doesn't eat that much, but this is probably because he doesn't have any competition for his food. I've noticed that when other cats are about, the submissive cats get overweight because they sneak into the kitchen and eat whenever the alpha cat isn't around.
Greed - Once again, he's not that greedy. He bats his toys around, but doesn't try to keep them from me or Shannon. Sometimes he'll even drop them in front of us when he wants to play.
Sloth - Now we're getting somewhere. Our cat spends roughly 72146 hours per day sleeping. This is so he has enough energy to loaf about during those vital evening hours. Still, I wouldn't say it's his greatest sin.
Pride - Our cat is pretty darn prideful. He likes to strut about whenever we're around, showing off his unbelievable awesomeness, and if he manages to catch a toy mouse (hard stuff!), he'll carry it around like he's the shit.
Lust - Snip-snip. No lust for our cat.
Wrath - Our cat can get fairly pissed off if we provoke him. This is usually accomplished by waving our hands in front of him in a taunting fashion or trying to pick him up while he's sitting on the bookcase - that's when he goes for the claws. He's not the angriest cat in the world, though.
( Which just leaves... )
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[28 Aug 2008|12:47pm] |
This question was originally posted on the QT3 message boards.
Take the following list and rank it from least desirable to most desirable. Assume that you own a home and can’t move easily. You’re basically stating which of the following things you would want to have around you the least.
A) Nuclear power plant built 50 miles away (upwind, newer plant design)
B) Coal plant built 25 miles away (upwind)
C) Sex offender who has served his time (recently) 0.5 miles away
D) Major airport built 5 miles away (20% of flights pass over your house, roughly)
E) Halfway house opened with 12 residents who are mentally ill, 0.2 miles away (various mental illnesses)
F) Elevated rail line built 50 yards from your house/apartment. Station 400 yards away.
G) 200 foot tall windmills (ten of them) built roughly 5 miles offshore from your house (assume you've lived in said house for many years)
H) Municipal landfill (serving a population of 250,000) 0.5 miles away
I have my own thoughts on this, but I’ll post them later.
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| This is spooky |
[05 Aug 2008|02:31pm] |
Oh my god. I saw this Sesame Street segment back when I was a little kid, and it freaked the hell out of me.
I don't know, something about Egyptian Ernie coming to life really disturbed my eight-year-old mind. It still kind of creeps me out.
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[02 Aug 2008|02:32pm] |
It’s time to talk about my most hated nemeses. Note the plural - I don’t have one nemesis, or two. I have a dozen of them. They have been responsible for much pain and suffering in my life, and one day, I shall bring about their doom.
1) The Sun
My biggest nemesis. The sun always gets in my eyes. It makes things uncomfortably hot when I try to go places. I’m also paler than a white band on soul train, so I burn very easily.
2) Mr. Wilson
He was my high school chemistry teacher. His philosophy (which he stated on multiple occasions) was that if he was feeling miserable, he was going to make everyone else miserable.
He was always miserable.
( This goes on for quite a while. )
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| Focus Group |
[25 Jul 2008|03:55pm] |
Just as a quick note to the people in the Bay Area who own a laptop computer:
There’s a focus group going on in San Francisco next Wednesday and Thursday at 7:30 P.M. It lasts for two hours and you’ll get $100. They don’t have enough people at the moment, so they asked me if I knew anybody else who might be interested.
I’ve done these before, they’re actually pretty fun. They hold up samples and say “Do you like in red?” “How about chrome?” “How about leopard print!?!” And you nod and mumble incoherently and get paid.
The link: Laptop Focus Group.
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[17 Jul 2008|09:20am] |
Which, of the following, is the worst job?
1) The dancing guy on the street corner who waves a giant cardboard sign.
2) The guy in the Zebra outfit, also waving a sign.
3) The guy wearing the sandwich board that says 'Eat at Joes'.
On first glance, it would seem to be the guy in the Zebra costume. It has to get incredibly hot in there, plus it's totally humiliating. They get to wear a mask, though, so no one can tell who they are, allowing them to retain some small modicum of dignity.
Being the guy in the sandwich board is more embarassing than the guy who dances with the sign, but he doesn't actually have to flail about. All he has to do is walk up and down the street looking bummed. If you're lazy, it would be the sensible choice.
The guy who dances with the sign is pretty commonplace, so it's less humiliating, but it's also got to be fairly exhausting to disco dance for eight hours a day.
I'd probably still go with guy in the Zebra costume.
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| Ow |
[11 Jul 2008|09:07am] |
Shannon had to go to the hospital yesterday. She was at softball practice, and someone hit a pop fly into right field. The sun got into her eyes, she couldn’t see where it was going, and it smashed down on her sunglasses. This prompted one of the lenses to pop out and gouge her forehead.
Luckily, it wasn’t that bad, though she still needed to go to the emergency room to get stitches. There was also an angry homeless man outside our room with Tourette’s Syndrome who kept shouting about the government and stomping back and forth. This was actually a plus - hospital rooms are boring.
Shannon now has six stitches, and a black eye. This should make the weekend... interesting. We may stay in quite a bit. She’d normally just wear sunglasses, but they’re currently in about twelve separate pieces at the park down the road.
So how was your day?
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[09 Jul 2008|09:17am] |
TIME: Some time ago. I forget when.
PLACE: Near my house.
I'm driving down Arch Street. I get to the intersection at Virginia, when lo and behold, there's a jaywalking monk in front of me.
If you didn't know, I live next to a monastery. That might seem kind of interesting, in principle, until you learn that Franciscan monks have absolutely no respect for traffic laws. They jaywalk everywhere, again and again, despite there being numerous crosswalks readily available.
I see the monk, and I get so annoyed that I scream out "Stupid monk!" At that exact moment, the monk tripped. Flat on his face.
It would seem I possess a superpower. I promise to use it only for evil.
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| Two posts in one day! |
[07 Jul 2008|11:13am] |
My website was designed in 1997, and it looks horrible. The tables are offset. The images are different sizes. The links don't work. If you stare at it long enough, your face starts to melt, just like the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark." Only instead of claymation, it's REAL LIFE.
I've thus decided to completely revamp my old web page. Problem is, I'm not entirely sure how to do it. Here are my options so far:
1) Take the full content and illustrations from How to be a Villain, and put them up in a new page that doesn't horribly suck.
Problem - Chronicle Books probably wouldn't like that, and there's no longer much reason to buy the book.
2) Take about a third of the content and illustrations from How to be a Villain, and put that up. Have a link at the bottom that says, "If you want to read more, buy the book! Suckas!"
Problem - Seems kind of cheap, considering I'd be removing a fair amount material that you can already read.
3) Take a good deal of the content of the book, and use images from the web, and put that up. That's pretty much the current iteration.
Problem - Web images aren't as nifty as thematically-consistent drawings.
I’m trying to decide between two and three right now. Any thoughts?
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